Thursday, June 17, 2010

My Love-Relationship Past
alone in the dark bear love past

I have this feeling of....regret, guilt and a bit of sadness, deep, rooted inside my soul ever since I was 15 years old. Everytime I think about it, I feel all of those mixed emotions rush into my veins and shiver with anxiety and insecure, sort of.

I was having a crush on this one guy from another school last time. He came into our group of study (out of school hours of course) and he was like, so cute and adorable with his non-stop talking and impressing me every second with his wits. I was in an all-girls school since primary, so having a boy near me for more than 20 minutes was a huge thing and I get all excited about it. Having him in the group was like, magic, like he was the clown and did all sorts of tricks.

So yeah I began to grow affection towards this guy, day by day, everytime I see him. At some point I just felt like hugging him, he was such a cuddly bear!

So here goes the day he was like, talking to me via writings on a paper. We were having maths and our teacher didn't want noise. We wrote by using pencils. Then it went from normal arithmetic questions to suddenly;

Boy: I love your comb. (
gives the paper to girl)
I always bring my Vidal Sassoon comb to the study group.
Girl: Why thank you, I love it too. (gives the paper back to boy)
Boy: (erases the word 'comb', gives it to the girl)
Girl: (happy inside, normal outside) Really?
Boy: Yes, I love you.
Girl: But my parents don't allow me to date until I'm older.
Boy: I'll wait for you.
Girl: Really?
Boy: I swear/ promise (I don't remember which one). I'll wait for you until I die.
Girl: No other girls?
Boy: No other girls, just you.
Girl: Then you have to wait. (was so silly of me to say that, why didn't I just say yes..I was an obedient child, really)
Boy: Can I kiss you?
Girl: Kiss my ass. (I don't know how on Earth I say that, adrenaline rush I guess. I felt butterflies, I was going to explode!)

To make things worse, I smiled at him. I was smiling because of the whole thing was just so big and I couldn't take it and it got me smiling, like, crush! I had a crush on him!

And there goes the story. When the study time ended, he said goodbye to me but my dad just pulled over the front gate, with him at the inner side of the gate. I was sitting near the building entrance. He even waved at me, smiling, but I didn't say anything. I wanted to reply him so badly, but I couldn't. I just let it slipped away.

Surely he thinks I was such a jerk. So just now, at about 11am, I messaged him. I told him everything. I just want to get this off my chest, this annoying, feeling of guilt and regret I've been keeping for 5 years straight. xD

I don't care how he reacts, I told him that he doesn't need to reply to it, because all I need is just to let him know the truth. I think he deserves it and will put my mind at ease. Seriously. I don't know why now I wana tell him, when I can tell him ages ago. I guess I was just shy already for saying that to him, and he didn't came for study anymore after form 3. =(

Straight after I sent the message to him, I felt so light. Like I have wings now, like I can finally fly, like this burden that's been carried on my shoulders for so long has now been lifted. Syukur alhamdulillah. =)

Now what? Well...I don't know really. I saw him at a few occasions, but he didn't seem wana say hi to me or anything, like he didn't wana be nice. I kinda did the same to him before, it was because he, when I was 16, was rumoured to be a playboy and kinda played one of my friends at school. I think that was why. I'm not sure really, why we don't talk anymore. I forgot. And it sucks that I forgot, now I don't know how to be nice to him again, if I want to, and I do.

Well...any updates, I'll post it. =)

Shine on,


  1. i think i know the guy. well, he's such snob. kin panas ba. temberang.

  2. Alamak lenn kau nampak.. xD

    Yes you very well, I think more than I do. xD He got reply you know. xD

  3. oh shit~ hahaha~ what la he said? on fb ka?

  4. Read here. =) It was okay, good story. I mean good ending. =p


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Delilah MK
Selangor, Malaysia